Sounds randomly decide not to emit from parts that they're parented to

No.

And when it happens, it seemingly happens to every sound in the game for that session.

We don’t have a custom StarterCharacter, either. It’s just the default character with the default sounds scripts (of which none have PlayOnRemove set to true).

Edit: I think most, if not all, of the sounds are played locally for each client. As in we trigger the :Play() function in client scripts, and I believe the default humanoid sounds are already coded to play that way, too.

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